


Middle

by sunkissedjoon94



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Assisted Suicide, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-18 23:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20321374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunkissedjoon94/pseuds/sunkissedjoon94
Summary: Full angst.The aftermath of Jeonghan's presence leaving.





	Middle

**Author's Note:**

> Before you read this, know this is a whole butt ton of angst. Like Me Before You angst. There's a major character death, mentioned assisted suicide, cancer, grieving. My other tags to be added will be done when I have my laptop and not just my phone. It's hard to add tags on a phone.
> 
> There's also unhappiness with a poly relationship by certain parties in this.
> 
> There's Joshua and Seungcheol crying, Seokmin crying, Seungkwan crying. There's just crying everywhere. 
> 
> If you still choose to read it, thank you. I hope that you enjoy it. 
> 
> And just know I regret everything.

_ "I love you both. You know that, right?" Jeonghan said looking at the two boys in front of him. The two his heart raced for when he looked at them, the two he wanted to just wrap up and hide away from the world, keep them his little secret. A secret he wouldn't mind keeping, unlike some other secrets- _

_ "Of course we do Hannie," Seungcheol cooed, pulling Jeonghan into his arms. He reached over for Joshua, the youngest falling into them. He fell into place, like a puzzle piece clicking into the space it had. It was where he belonged, between Jeonghan and Seungcheol.  _

_ "And we love you just as much. If not more." Joshua hummed pressing a soft kiss to Jeonghan's nose, making him wrinkle his nose up as he smiled and a soft blush covered his cheeks. Joshua thought he never looked more beautiful.  _

_ "Thank you for letting me be in your lives." Jeonghan whispered. He smiled at Joshua leaning forward to kiss his forehead before looking at Seungcheol and kissing his chin.  _

_ "Thank you for coming into our lives. They wouldn't be complete without you." Seungcheol said. _

_ Joshua nodded, "I don't know what we'd do without you Hannie. You're everything to us." _

"Hey you," the soft voice pulled Joshua to the present. Seuncheol came over and sat next to him, running a soft hand over the back of Joshua's head before he leaned forward and pressed his lips against his forehead. 

Joshua closed his eyes, leaning into Seungcheol a little. 

"I was wondering where you went." Seungcheol said. He took Joshua's hand into his own, rubbing his thumb across the back of Joshua's gently. 

"Sorry," Joshua whispered. He looked at their hands, focusing on the warmth Seungcheol gave him and the rough parts of his hand against his own. Seungcheol needed more lotion, something Jeonghan reminded him often about. "If I had one more person come up to me and say how sorry they were I was going to lose it. And as it is Seungkwan's barely keeping it together."

Seungcheol nodded understanding. "Hannie hated this stuff too."

"He was so much better than us at it though." Joshua said quietly. His heart ached as he thought of their middle. The one who made them feel whole. "It gets easier. Right Cheol?" 

Seungcheol's thumb paused it's movement and he squeezed Joshua's hand, "it's got to. I hope at least." 

Joshua nodded and closed his eyes trying not to cry. He couldn't cry. He was tired of crying. He'd cried for the past week. None of it made sense. Not even the note they had found. Nothing made sense for why Jeonghan had just left. 

The note hurt, but neither Seungcheol or Joshua could understand why. Jeonghan could have talked to them. He could have told them what was going on, they would've found options. Options that included him living with them, being around longer, feeling healthy. They could've done it. Seungcheol knew plenty of people who had the disease and lived long healthy lives. Joshua had read plenty of success stories online about how they survived and went on to be happier and full of life. Something Jeonghan always was, even on the worst days they had no idea were his bad days. If only he had talked to them.

"I hate him." Seungcheol whispered. "I hate that he never told us."

Joshua looked up to his boyfriend. He was a little surprised at how angry he sounded, at how much anger he had for Jeonghan. "Cheol,"

"But it gets worse." Seungcheol said looking at him as if silently asking the younger to just hear him out, "because then I get mad at you, because how could you not have noticed? You were always with him, more than me at least. And then-" Seungcheol hiccupped as a few tears fell down his face, "and then I get angry at myself and I hate myself. I should've been there more. I shouldn't have been working so hard. I should've been around. I shouldn't have left either of you alone."

"Cheol," Joshua reached over with his free hand and wiped the tears away. "None of it's your fault."

"I should have been there though! I would've noticed. He had to have had symptoms. Something we could've seen. Something we-we could have noticed and got him to someone." Seungcheol cried. 

Joshua stood and turned so he faced Seungcheol better. He pulled the older into his arms, feeling the tears soak into his shirt at his stomach, where Seungcheol's face met. "He wouldn't blame us. You know that. And he was going to the doctor. He just didn't tell anyone."

"We should've known Shua. We knew him so well, how-how could we have not known about this?" Seungcheol cried. 

Joshua held his boyfriend. Everything he was saying was exactly how Joshua felt. He wondered how they couldn't have noticed the dark circles under Jeonghan's eyes, the way he lost so much weight that seemed to be too quick from the diet he was on, how his clothes began hanging from his frame, how his hair even changed. It wasn't as soft and silky it had been when they met. "I think we did notice Cheol. We just chose not to." 

_ "Hannie, aren't you going to eat?" Joshua asked as the older got ready for his little walk he always went on.  _

_ "Oh. I ate a protein bar Shua. I'm good." Jeonghan shrugged.  _

_ "Hannie, that's not enough for the day. Come on I made some eggs and toast. It's healthy and won't throw off your diet." Joshua said softly. He made a mental note to have a conversation with Seungcheol about it so they could talk to Jeonghan together. A conversation that never got to happen. Jeonghan had shrugged off breakfast too many times for him to feel comfortable about letting him leave. "Please Hannie. I'm worried." _

_ Jeonghan looked torn and bit his lip. Joshua noticed they seemed more chapped than usual which was weird considering how much lip balm he used. "Shua, you shouldn't be worried. I'm okay. I promise."  _

_ "Then please, even a few pieces of toast with me." Joshua pushed again.  _

_ Jeonghan shook his head, "I can't Shua." _

_ "Why not? Because of your diet? That diet is going to kill you if you keep skipping meals!" Joshua yelled, "you skipped dinner last night, lunch yesterday. When  _ have  _ you eaten? Please. All I'm asking is one meal!" _

_ Silence filled the room. Jeonghan watching Joshua who was trying hard not to cry and keep it together. They both wished Seungcheol wasn't at work, he was great at handling when they butted heads.  _

_ "Please Jeonghan." Joshua whispered. He had a few tears in his eyes. He was worried for his boyfriend. He knew Seungcheol was too, it was in the little looks that lingered on Jeonghan and how he'd watch Jeonghan when he was the first to fall asleep. He just didn't know how validated their worry really was.  _

_ "Just a little, but I can't eat too much. My stomach isn't feeling well this morning." Jeonghan finally gave in. It was a sign. One Joshua chose to ignore. _

_ "Thank you," Joshua felt a few tears fall down his face. "That's all I'm asking for." _

_ Jeonghan stepped forward and wrapped him in his arms. "I'm sorry for worrying you. That's the last thing I'd ever want to do." _

"He could've talked to us." Seungcheol said sitting up and looking up at Joshua. "Why didn't he?"

"He didn't want to worry us." Joshua said, remembering every time he mentioned how worried he was for Jeonghan how the older would quickly apologize and do something to reassure Joshua, telling him he never wanted them to worry about him.

"It's not fair." Seungcheol whispered. 

Joshua nodded and lowered himself, hugging Seungcheol. He wished Jeonghan was there. He wanted to feel his arms around them too. He didn't feel complete. "It isn't. He's an asshole for doing this."

"He is." Seungcheol agreed. They held each other, silently grieving for what they had lost. For who they had lost.

_ "It's kind of funny," Jeonghan said, tucked in between Seungcheol and Joshua on their bed. It was thankfully a king sized so they all fit comfortably, but that didn't stop Joshua from snuggling so close he was half on top of Jeonghan and Seungcheol pulling Jeonghan close into his body. They fit together, just like Seungcheol noted the first time they ever tried laying together.  _

_ "What is?" Joshua hummed. He watched Jeonghan place his hand against his own, measuring the difference between them, before fitting his fingers between Joshua's and hold his hand. It made little butterflies erupt in his stomach, especially when Seungcheol gently took their hands and pressed soft kisses to the back of them before holding them against his chest, both Jeonghan and himself feeling the steady beat of Seungcheol's heart.  _

_ "How perfect this worked out. How I wasn't even really looking for a soulmate, and here I found two. I feel so lucky that I get to experience this." _

_ "I think I'm the lucky one." Seungcheol said, the oldest's voice was a little hoarse from lack of sleep. He had woken up when Joshua did, noticing Jeonghan's moving around a little too. "I get the most beautiful men in my life loving me and each other." _

_ "You're gonna ruin the moment Cheol," Joshua hummed fondly. _

_ Jeonghan laughed softly. He turned and kissed Seungcheol's pouting lips, "it's okay Cheollie. We get what you mean." _

_ Joshua smiled and winked at Seungcheol. "I think we all are lucky. Lucky we get to love each other, lucky that this is our life. You two make me feel complete and without either one of you, I don't know what I'd do. I don't want to imagine my life without either of you." _

_ Jeonghan's shoulders seemed to tense but when Joshua looked up he had a soft smile on his face, one full of love and affection for him and Seungcheol. "I think that's exactly it." _

_ "Stop being so good at words Shua. You make me look bad." Seungcheol pouted a little.  _

_ Joshua and Jeonghan both laughed, the two moved and started pressing kisses to Seungcheol's face and neck. They all ended up wrapped around each other, whispering soft words of love. Of how much the others meant to them. _

It still felt like a bad dream at points for Seungcheol. He kept expecting to wake up and Jeonghan would be there in front of him with Joshua, both of them smiling at him and reassuring him that it was only a dream. 

It didn't feel like a dream though when he walked back into the funeral hall holding onto Joshua's hand. He was fine seeing their friends in various stages of grief, but when he saw Jeonghan's family he felt his blood boil and tears itch the back of his eyes. They allowed Jeonghan to follow through with it. They helped him plan everything. It made Seungcheol angry. They weren't the only ones who loved Jeonghan.

"Cheol," Joshua's soft voice helped pull Seungcheol back to the moment.

He looked at his boyfriend who looked upset. "Are you okay Shua?" Seungcheol whispered.

"Kwan-ah and Seok-ah are crying." Joshua nodded towards their friends. 

Seungcheol looked over and his heart ached seeing Seungkwan curled up into Wonwoo crying and Seokmin just staring at the ground while Junhui and Minghao offered as much comfort as they could. He looked at Joshua who looked ready to run over and comfort them. "Want to go hug them with me?" 

Joshua nodded, looking relieved Seungcheol had suggested it and lead the way over. He didn't say anything but wordlessly took his hand away from Seungcheol's and pulled Seokmin into his arms. He rubbed the youngers back. 

Seokmin curled into Joshua, crying as the older held him. "I'm sorry."

"I am too. It's okay Minnie." Joshua whispered. 

Seungcheol glanced at their friends. They looked how he felt. Lost. Jeonghan had quickly become the center of not just his and Joshua's relationship with him, but their friend group. He reached over and rubbed Seungkwan's back, meeting Wonwoo's eyes. Wonwoo held back tears of his own, focusing on Seungkwan. 

Seungcheol felt even worse. He should be the one staying strong. He was the oldest. Yet here he was, feeling ready to pull his hair out, scream at the world for being so unfair, yell at Jeonghan's family. None of this felt right. 

"Seungcheol hyung, hey it's okay to cry." Hansol was saying. 

Seungcheol didn't realize he had ended up on the floor, holding back tears of his own. "I don't-I'm fine-I-" words got trapped in his throat as tears began to fall. He wanted Jeonghan. 

"Oh hyung." Hansol wrapped himself around Seungcheol. He felt another pair of hands, ones he knew so well wipe away some tears before arms were wrapped around him. 

"It's okay Cheol. Just cry. You're allowed to." Joshua whispered in his ear.

"Nothing feels right anymore." Seungcheol whined. 

Hansol's hand tightened around his shoulder and Seungcheol wished the younger hadn't heard that.

"I know. I know Cheol."

_ The first time they had met him was on a bus. Seungcheol and Joshua were heading back home after meeting with the group for dinner and got on an almost crowded bus. Seungcheol kept Joshua in front of him, a hand on his hip as they worked their way to the back. There was a man in a seat, with no one beside him. He was the only one with space nearby.  _

_ Seungcheol felt sorry for even thinking of asking him if they could sit by him. No one alone wanted to sit by a couple on a Friday night.  _

_ Joshua however went over and gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention. "Hi, is it okay if we sit next to you?" _

_ The man looked up surprised. Seungcheol felt like someone had stolen his breath as he looked into the man's gentle eyes. They had a sort of sadness to them and Seungcheol wanted to do all he could to get a smile to show. One he saw hints of that seemed buried. "Oh um. Yes."  _

_ Joshua smiled kindly and Seungcheol could tell by how his boyfriend looked at the man that he was just as drawn to him. They sat next to him, Joshua tucked between them. "I'm Joshua, this is Seungcheol." _

_ "Hi. I'm Jeonghan." Jeonghan said softly. His light brown hair wasn't very long, and stopped above his eyebrows, but Seungcheol wanted to run a hand through and see if it was as soft as it looked.  _

_ "Nice to meet you." Joshua smiled, "thank you for letting us sit with you. Seems like all of Seoul came out for tonight."  _

_ Jeonghan nodded glancing around the bus before his eyes landed on them again, "it does. What about you guys?" _

_ "Oh we had dinner with some friends." Joshua glanced at Seungcheol, the question in his eyes that Seungcheol could feel on the tip of his tongue.  _

_ "Would you like to go get a couple drinks with us?" Seungcheol said, blushing as the words left his mouth. What if Jeonghan wasn't even interested? What if he was creeped out by a couple that both of them were hitting on him? But Seungcheol had to know.  _

_ Joshua had a fond look in his eyes when he looked at Seungcheol but looked nervous when he looked back at Jeonghan, "I mean you don't have to if you don't want to." _

_ "I won't be making things a mess for either of you will I? You know, like a homewrecker?" Jeonghan raised an eyebrow and Seungcheol saw a glimpse of the trouble maker Jeonghan could be. God, he and Joshua were in deep. _

_ "No," Joshua glanced at Seungcheol for reassurance and the older nodded in agreement. "We um both want to offer that." _

_ Seungcheol nodded, "if you don't. That's okay. We get it." _

_ Jeonghan looked at them for a moment before laughing and shaking his head. "Sure. Yeah why not?" _

_ Seungcheol felt Joshua squeeze his hand. He didn't realize up until that moment how badly he wanted Jeonghan to say yes. _

_ "Great!" Joshua smiled. "There's a bar at the next stop that's pretty good. You okay with that?" _

_ "Our treat." Seungcheol added when Jeonghan paused.  _

_ Jeonghan smiled to himself before nodding. "Sure." _

_ Joshua grinned at Seungcheol and he felt like he was on cloud nine. Their smiles would be the death of him. _

“Do you need a moment?” Joshua asked when Seungcheol managed to calm down.

Seungcheol shook his head, “I’m okay. I should be okay.”

Joshua nodded and help Seungcheol back up, rubbing his back as he snuggled into him. 

“Sorry guys,” Seungcheol mumbled.

“Nothing to be sorry for hyung.” Mingyu said softly from where he had an arm around Soonyoung, helping support him as the older cried silently.

“We’d be worried if neither of you did break down and cry.” Junhui offered.

Seungcheol nodded and glanced around at them once more. He couldn’t believe how Jeonghan had affected all of them so much in only a short year. He couldn’t believe that he had only gotten one year with Jeonghan. He wanted more. He wanted to grow old with Jeonghan and Joshua, he wanted to laugh with them as they each slowly got grey hair, each of them being a varying level of dramatic. There was so much he and Joshua hadn’t gotten to do with him. In just two months they were supposed to travel to America so that Jeonghan could meet Joshua’s parents, something all three of them had been looking forward to after Seungcheol’s own parents didn’t react so kindly to their son having two boyfriends.

“Have you guys talked to Jeonghan’s family yet?” Chan asked quietly.

“Not since they told us about today.” Joshua shook his head.

“And I don’t think we will.” Seungcheol said, a little surprised at how strong his voice sounded with anger. “Not after they helped him.”

“Cheol,” Joshua looked at him, “please not here.”

“Where then Shua? Our boyfriend is dead. And it’s because they didn’t bother to fucking tell us about what was going on. They weren’t the only ones who loved him. Look at our friends, and tell me that we didn’t deserve to know through more than a goddamn note left on the table.” Seungcheol snapped. He regretted it when he saw the tears fill Joshua’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re right. We did deserve to know. I just don’t think here is where we should discuss any of it. Please Cheol.”

The gentleness in Joshua was enough to pacify the anger in Seungcheol and he quickly wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, burying his face into his neck. He wanted everything to go away. He wanted to stop hurting. He wanted to stop expecting Jeonghan to walk over any second. He wanted to disappear. “I’m so sorry. I love you.”

Joshua held onto him, looking at the worried glances of their friends before he squeezed his eyes shut. He hated everything about that moment. He hated that Seungcheol hurt so badly. He hated that he would never get to hold Jeonghan again. He hated that when they went home, it would be empty. He hated that Jeonghan was gone. “It’s okay Cheol. I love you too.”

_ Moving Jeonghan in only seemed right. It didn’t matter that they had only begun dating him two months ago. It didn’t matter that they’d have to go and buy a bigger bed. Jeonghan belonged with them. Jeonghan was exactly what they needed.  _

_ “Are you sure you want me to move in?” Jeonghan said as they stopped the car at Joshua and Seungcheol’s. It was Jeonghan’s parent’s extra car they let the trio borrow to move Jeonghan in. They had been unsure about the relationship ever since they met Seungcheol and Joshua, but still offered their support for the trio. _

_ “Absolutely. We want you with us.” Joshua said looking at him, “why would you ask?” _

_ “Well, I mean you two have been dating longer than we all three have. Wouldn’t you guys like a place for just, I don’t know you?” Jeonghan said with a small shrug. _

_ “No. There’s three of us in this relationship, and we’d love to have you living with us. We love you Jeonghan.” Seungcheol said, “unless you don’t want any of this and Joshua and I are really bad at reading signs and you think we’re disgusting-” _

_ “No! No I don’t think that. God no, that couldn’t be further from the truth.” Jeonghan said quickly. “I love you both, I really do. I just wonder if sometimes, I kind of just take up space.” _

_ “You don’t Hannie, I promise. Space in our hearts definitely. We want you in this relationship just as much as we want each other. We both love you and when you weren’t staying the night we’d literally lay in bed talking about how much we missed you.” Joshua reassured. He held Jeonghan’s hand in his own and kissed his cheek, “you’re wanted in this relationship so much Hannie.” _

_ “You are.” Seungcheol said reaching over and putting a hand on his knee, “we both love you so much.” _

_ Jeonghan smiled at them both and nodded. “I love you both. Thank you for loving me back.” _

_ “We’d be crazy not to.” Joshua smiled. _

Seungcheol wasn’t ready for when Jeonghan’s parents came to them. He knew Joshua wasn’t either by how his boyfriend froze beside him.

“Seungcheol, Joshua, I’m so sorry.” Jeonghan’s mom said looking at them both. She had tears in her eyes and Seungcheol could see marks on her cheeks were previous tears had fallen. He could also see pieces of Jeonghan in her features and it made his heart ache and long for him even more.

“Are you really?” Joshua said softly.

“I’m sorry?” His mom said a little surprised.

“Are you? Because you got time to say goodbye and make peace with it all. Did you know how he finally told us? He left a fucking note on the table and walked out while we were sleeping. We didn’t get to say goodbye.” Joshua said, “but your sorry, as if that’s going to make it all better. As if that’s going to bring him back.” 

“You weren’t the only ones who loved him, and it’s selfish that you guys never had him tell us. That you never told us. We loved him too.” Seungcheol finished when Joshua stopped, too overcome with tears and emotion to continue. “Sorry won’t bring him back.”

“It won’t, but he was in so much pain. You guys don’t even understand how bad it was for him.”

“Not because we didn’t want to!” Joshua yelled. “If we had known-”

“What? You would’ve stopped him from having an assisted suicide? Don’t you think we tried that? We tried everything, and nothing was enough to stop him. What makes you think you knowing would’ve? He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to know.” Jeonghan’s father stepped in.

“You wouldn’t have been able to stop him either.” His mother said.

Seungcheol gritted his teeth. He wanted to scream. He wanted to hit Jeonghan’s father. They could’ve done more. “We would’ve done something. At least we would’ve been able to say goodbye. How dare you act like your better than us because of this. We didn’t choose to not know about the cancer. If Jeonghan had told us-”

“That’s the thing. He didn’t. Because he even after how long you guys have been together he didn’t want you to know that he was dying.” 

It was a line that shouldn’t have been crossed. It wasn’t Seungcheol that finally snapped but instead it was Joshua who quickly threw a punch at Jeonghan’s dad, hitting him across the jaw with so much force it knocked the older man to the floor. “How fucking dare you! You never supported Jeonghan in his relationship with us anyways. How dare you talk about him like that.”

“Come on,” Wonwoo came over quickly putting a hand on both of their shoulders. Next to him Mingyu stood, glaring at Jeonghan’s parents. “Let’s get you two home. You don’t need to be here. Jeonghan knew you loved him. He’s all that matters.”

Jihoon stood in front of Joshua, trying to keep him from lashing out again. His words were so soft Seungcheol couldn’t hear them.

“Come on hyung.” Wonwoo said gently. He pulled Seungcheol back a little.

Seungcheol started to move before looking at Jeonghan’s parents, “he was everything to us even still. We both loved him more than you could ever imagine.”

Wonwoo got them to leave after that, keeping an arm around both Seungcheol and Joshua. Around them, their friends created a barrier from the outside world. Their grief didn’t need to be public.

Mingyu left slowly after everyone, making sure there were no retaliations for what Joshua did. Instead, as he turned to leave, Jeonghan’s mom caught his arm. “Wait, make sure you and your friends get these. Jeonghan wanted you to get them.”

A pile of envelopes were placed into Mingyu’s hand. On the top he could see in Jeonghan’s handwriting, a shaky version Joshua’s name written. Next to it was a small heart. He was sure Seungcheol’s envelope had the same. Mingyu just nodded wordlessly as he followed his friends. The weight of the envelopes lighter than the weight on his heart.

_ The first time the three slept together, Jeonghan cried. It scared Joshua and Seungcheol as they had double checked everything beforehand and during they kept checking in with Jeonghan, making sure he was okay with everything and wasn't hurt. He had constantly said he was fine, so the fact he was crying scared them.  _

_ "Hannie, did we hurt you? Where at? Deep breath baby we're here." Joshua's gentle hands were on Jeonghan, looking for where he was hurt while Seungcheol did all he could to wipe the tears away.  _

_ "Baby, breathe. You're okay. We're here. What hurts? What's wrong?" Seungcheol said softly, panicking. _

_ "I'm not hurt." Jeonghan finally managed through fresh tears.  _

_ "What's wrong then?" Joshua asked moving to instead help Seungcheol and sooth Jeonghan.  _

_ "I just-I love you guys. And if-if you don't want to keep this going then it's okay, just please tell me now." _

_ Seungcheol felt his heart drop. Jeonghan thought it was a one time thing. Thought he was a one time thing. "Oh Hannie. No, no this isn't a one time thing. We love you. We love you so much." _

_ "We do baby. We love you and we want a relationship with you not just sex." Joshua soothed. He kissed a few tears away and pulled Jeonghan close, not caring that they hadn't cleaned up yet. "Oh Jeonghan we love you so god damn much." _

_ Jeonghan cried, holding onto both of them until their words comforted him enough for him to stop crying. "I'm sorry. I just didn't know for sure and I don't want to be just a one time thing or a friend with benefits or any of that." _

_ "And we don't want that either. Oh baby. That is definitely not what we want. We love you so much. You're our whole world. We love you." Seungcheol said. He kept repeating it as he kissed Jeonghan's head wondering just how the beauty between him and Joshua could ever think they didn't love him.  _

_ "I love you guys so much." Jeonghan said quietly.  _

_ "We love you too." Joshua reassured. He placed a soft kiss to Jeonghan's lips and held it until he felt the older kiss back.  _

_ When they parted, Seungcheol gave Jeonghan a moment to catch his breath before kissing him softly too. He hoped everything he felt was conveyed through that kiss.  _

_ After, Joshua ran a soft hand through Jeonghan's hair, "come on. Let's go take a bath and clean up. Then we'll come cuddle and Cheol and I can tell you what we love about you until you believe us." _

_ Jeonghan nodded and got up with their help, going with them to the bathroom. They spent the rest of the night gently caring for Jeonghan, and each other, while telling the beauty how much they meant to him and how much they loved him.  _

Wonwoo watched Seungcheol and Joshua as they got to their place. "Are you sure you want to be here? You can come stay with me and Chan."

"Yeah, we're sure." Seungcheol said after checking with Joshua who just gave a small nod. His fist was an angry red and Wonwoo could see some purple lining his knuckles.

"Okay. Would you be okay if some of us stayed to help take care of you and just be a shoulder to cry on?" Wonwoo asked.

"You don't have to." Joshua said quietly.

"It would help me feel better hyung." Chan said softly. 

"Me too," Junhui said, "please?"

Joshua and Seungcheol looked at each other and nodded. Having their friends close would probably help. 

"Alright good. Now come on. Let's get you in and changed." Wonwoo said, gently bringing them into their place. He waited patiently as they both froze at the door. Since it happened they hadn't been home. They had stayed with Seungcheol's brother and sister-in-law who had kept their friends updated on how they were. 

Seungcheol glanced around and saw a hoodie of Jeonghan's hanging off a chair. It was the one he was wearing the day before that he had taken off and tossed to the chair when he got home. Seungcheol went to it and picked it up, feeling the soft fabric between his fingers. He pulled it up to his face and took a deep breath, smelling Jeonghan's cologne and his shampoo that he liked better than his or Joshua's. Tears filled his eyes again and Joshua was quick to slide into Seungcheol's arms. The couple held each other and the hoodie, crying a little, something they both were getting sick of doing. 

Wonwoo made their friends wait just in the entryway of the door, letting the couple have their moment. Beside him, Chan wrapped himself around him, his arms tight around Wonwoo's waist.

Seokmin was hugging Jihoon, holding back tears of his own, Mingyu and Soonyoung both held onto each other like the other was a lifejacket. Minghao and Junhui stood close together, their hands intertwined. Hansol held a quietly crying Seungkwan, the older burying his face in Hansol's shoulder as he cried. 

"It's going to be hard getting used to." Seungcheol said softly after he and Joshua had their moment.

Junhui nodded, "he had a big presence."

Joshua nodded and wiped his tears away, "um help yourself to food or something to drink. We're going to go change."

"Take your time hyungs." Mingyu said softly. "And um. This is from Jeonghan." He handed them their envelopes, ignoring the few questioning looks behind him. "His mom gave me them before we left. She said he wanted you to read them."

Seungcheol looked at the handwriting and nodded taking a deep breath. "Alright. Well. Shua and I will be back."

Everyone watched as they went upstairs, Joshua clinging to the hoodie and Seungcheol keeping an arm on his back.

"He left a letter for them?" Jihoon asked. 

"And for us." Mingyu turned fanning out the other envelopes. He saw his own and swallowed the lump in his throat. "His mom said he wanted us to all have them."

Hansol took his and Seungkwan's leading the older to a quiet corner in the living room. 

Chan carefully took his, holding it gently in his hands. "Why us?" 

"He loved us too." Soonyoung said taking his. He glanced at Mingyu before going into the kitchen with it. 

Jihoon and Seokmin took theirs, going back outside to sit on the porch to read it. 

Minghao and Junhui wordlessly looked at each other before taking their own and going to the dining room. 

Wonwoo glanced at Mingyu before looking at Chan and taking his. Mingyu left, going to Soonyoung in the kitchen and Chan looked at Wonwoo. 

"What would he have left for us?"

"A goodbye we didn't get." Wonwoo whispered. He wrapped an arm around Chan and sat with him on the stairs. They took a deep breath before opening their letters.

_ Wonwoo, I figured I'd write one of these for each of you. They all say the same thing. Cheol and Shua's are the only ones different. But I want to say thank you. Thank you for being my friend. Knowing you has felt so special. It's what makes me feel so awful for leaving without a goodbye. But I didn't want anyone to worry. Sorry for not telling you. It felt easier this way. Please take care of Cheol and Shua. They've made me so happy. And I don't know what I'd do if I never knew them this past year. I'm so sorry this is how we say goodbye. Please be happy and don't get too sad. Love, Jeonghan.  _

His handwriting was shaky and Wonwoo wondered if he wrote it before it happened. It made his heart ache. He looked at Chan and saw the youngest crying and quietly wrapped his arms around him. Junhui was right. Jeonghan had been a big presence in their lives.

_ "It doesn't mean I'd love you less." Joshua said looking down. He was nervous, asking Seungcheol if he'd be willing to date Jeonghan and invite him into their relationship. "I just, I have a feeling about him Cheol and if you don't want to then I'll forget about it and I'll find a way for me to hang out with him without feeling anything towards him." _

_ "How do we even know if he wants this?" Seungcheol asked. "What if we creep him out?" _

_ "Then we step back and don't do anything. We can just talk to him about it." Joshua shrugged, "unless you don't want this Cheol. Both of us are going to need to be in it. Not just me." _

_ Seungcheol paused for a moment before nodding. "Yeah. I do. He has something about him." _

_ Joshua nodded and took a deep breath. "So we're doing this?" _

_ Seungcheol nodded, he kissed Joshua softly. "Yeah. Let's talk to Hannie about it." _

_ They invited him to dinner, both nervous and worried that Jeonghan wouldn't want the same. _

_ "This feels like a date." Jeonghan said as Joshua took his jacket from him to hang it up.  _

_ "It kind of is?" Seungcheol glanced at Jeonghan nervously.  _

_ "It's kind of what we want to talk to you about. It can wait until after we eat so you don't feel awkward though." Joshua said quickly. _

_ "Why not now?" Jeonghan said. "I know you two look so nervous you're about to cry." _

_ "Be-because it's not the best conversation to have?" Seungcheol stumbled. _

_ Jeonghan shook his head and gently took both their hands. He lead them to their living room as if he lived there and made them sit on the couch. Then he sat on the coffee table. "Ask me. Before either of you have a nervous break. I won't eat until you do." _

_ Joshua almost laughed and took a deep breath. "As you know Cheol and I are dating. We um really like you. More than just a friend." _

_ "What we're asking is if you'll be our boyfriend. Dating both of us at the same time. Or if you don't it's okay. We'll still feed you dinner and hang out regularly unless you don't want-" _

_ Jeonghan smirked before leaning forward and kissing Seungcheol, effectively stopping any rambling. When Seungcheol was surprised he pulled back smiling and then leaned close to Joshua, kissing him. When he pulled back he looked at both of their faces, watching them process what he did. "I will. I like you guys just as much and I'd love to date you." _

_ "Thank god." Seungcheol sighed.  _

_ Joshua laughed softly, "if we end up not liking this or working out at all we can totally end this and we'll lay out ground rules and talk about everything. We  _ have _ to talk though. No shutting each other out and if we start feeling neglected we need to speak up and-" _

_ "Do you always worry so much about everything?" Jeonghan laughed softly. He held Joshua's hand and smiled. "I think we'll have plenty of time to work it out. Right now, let's go have a really nice dinner and enjoy each other's company." _

_ Seungcheol laughed and smiled at Jeonghan. "Finally. Someone who's good at helping Joshua stop worrying." _

_ Jeonghan smiled and kissed Seungcheol's cheek. "I'm sure I'm not the only one with that effect." _

_ "You aren't. But I can definitely get used to having two of you help me get better at that." Joshua said softly. He knew he was blushing with how fondly they both looked at him and he felt like he could melt into a puddle. He never knew he could love one person so much. Let alone two. _

"Is your hand okay?" Seungcheol asked after a moment. He saw how red and angry it looked. It worried him. 

Joshua nodded and looked at the envelope with his name. "What do you think he wrote?"

"I don't know." Seungcheol sighed. "Should we read it?"

"He wanted us to." Joshua whispered. He looked at Seungcheol and gave a small smile before opening the envelope. He took out the letter and a few pictures slid out and to the ground. "Oh my god."

Seungcheol looked. Two pictures had the three of them, three others had just Joshua and Jeonghan, and one had just Jeonghan, healthy and smiling. 

Joshua carefully picked them up and looked at them crying. He ran his finger over Jeonghan's face in the picture gently and looked up at Seungcheol. "Babe."

Seungcheol pulled him into his arms and kissed his head, holding him close. "He loved you so much Shua."

"He loved you too." Joshua whispered through his tears. He took a deep breath. "Okay. I need to read this."

Seungcheol nodded and let Joshua step back. He watched as he started reading it and then opened his own envelope. He didn't know if he had the strength to read it or look at the pictures. 

It was the same as Joshua's, a couple pictures of the three of them, different than Joshua's, three of just the two of them, and one of Jeonghan, again different from Joshua's. 

Seungcheol knelt on the ground looking at them. His heart ached. 

_ Cheol, oh god. I don't know how to write this. I've had conversations with you and Shua in my head so many times. None of them ever seemed enough for what I'm doing though. None of them ever seemed like the perfect goodbye. By now you'll probably have gone to my funeral and my mom has given you these. I hope it was done in a respectful manner, but judging on how they've been 'supportive' I'm afraid it's been difficult. I want you to know that no matter what they say, you and Shua have been so important to me. That you both have been so deeply engraved in my heart and mind during this process. I wanted to tell you. I almost did a few times.  _

_ When I was little I was diagnosed with a blood cancer. After treatment it all went away and I thought I was done. That day on the bus I was having an off day. My grandma had just died of the same cancer and it scared me. But you and Shua came. I'm so glad you two talked to me. I don't know what I would've done without you two. Over the year, I was pretty healthy, up until about 6 months ago. I found out the cancer was back and this time it was stage 4. At that point a full recovery was only a glimmer of hope. I was told I didn't have that long of a healthy life left. I could spend my time getting treatment and getting sick and just not me. Or I could live my life with you and Joshua. I chose you guys. I would every time. Even if you had known and tried to convince me of different. I got even sicker and it was harder to hide so I looked into options. Assisted suicide was the one I wanted. I didn't want to die in who knows what state. I wanted to die on my own terms. _

_ I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't face seeing yours and Joshua's faces. I'm so so sorry. Nothing could ever fix what I did. You deserved to know and a proper goodbye. I'm sorry I didn't give you that. So here is a really shitty goodbye that should've been said in person.  _

_ Goodbye Cheollie. I'm so grateful I met you. I'm grateful you and Joshua had so much love that you were willing to share it with me. I didn't know I could be so loved. Thank you for showing me I could. I want you to take care of yourself. Don't just give up. You have so much life left to live. I want you and Joshua to make the most of everything. Love each other with so much in you that anything else is impossible. Listen to each other and talk. I'll always be with you. _

_ Love,  _ _ Jeonghan. _

Seungcheol felt tears fall down his face as he looked up at Joshua who was crying too. He once again held Joshua, whispering how much he loved him. He wanted Jeonghan back, he wanted their life to not be so mixed up anymore. He wanted their middle.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, thank you!
> 
> You are amazing. If you can even read this note through your tears know how much I appreciate it. 
> 
> This also was my first time writing more in depth of a poly relationship and I tried making sure it was as healthy as possible. If you have suggestions on how I could be better I'd totally appreciate it!
> 
> If you'd like, please leave feedback. As an author it really helps me stay motivated to write anything. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading!


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